LEADING DYING DINOSAURS AND MILKING MULES

At the time you arrived for your first day at our organization, I was nearing my fortieth anniversary.  My entire career was with this one local organization.  I survived two mergers, celebrated new location openings, sadly saw some close their doors and countless c-suite changes.  All these events transformed our organization not only in growth but in maintaining its relevance in building and supporting all of the communities we proudly serve.

With each of these various milestones coupled with my understanding of our history and organizational processes, I provided insight to both volunteer policymakers, c-suite and leadership staff.  I come armed with self-confidence and self-initiative.  This led me to a diverse and very much fulfilling career thus far.  My willingness to adapt to change and receive new certifications opened doors to providing me career opportunities in positions outside of my initial interests of just working with children.

In all my years, I thought I’d seen it all — mergers, closures, leadership changes, and evolving systems.  But nothing prepared me for the first moment when you walked into my office.  After we were introduced, I remember you glanced at my 35-year anniversary certificate and made several callous comments.  You mentioned how you weren’t even conceived yet based on the certificate’s date.  Judging by your nervous laughter you must have caught glance of my facial expressions which must have spoken louder than anything I may have said.  It’s when you further commented how you didn’t realize not all dinosaurs went extinct; my facial expressions remained indifferent.  I watched you try to regain your composure as I welcomed you to the organization.  This moment taught me more about your leadership skills than any training ever could.

Your degree, certifications, and experience may have earned you the position and the title to become a member of the coveted and elite c-suite and my boss.  This only proved your credentials matched the dynamics and requirements of the position you applied and interviewed for.  Ultimately, you were offered the position of which you chose to accept.  This did not make you better than me, just more qualified to command a higher salary and position.  What I lacked in the formal educational demands, I made up for as the longest tenured employee, vast institutional knowledge and loyalty to this organization.  My own innate curiosity to never stop learning kept me relevant and flexibility to the many changes I faced throughout my career.

When you insisted, I do my work a certain way without even questioning my way of doing my job showed a lack of willingness to consider alternative approaches.  This felt to me as if it was driven by authority of a title-driven inflated ego rather than someone interested in understanding how I do my job.  Have you not heard of teamwork makes the dream work?  Yes, very much cliché, but there are reasons for them being used.  These overused expressions which still resonate a state of being which stood the test of time.  Instead of working together towards a common resolution, you intentionally criticized in a manner which was a deliberate attempt to shatter my spirits.  What you didn’t know is my resilience and willingness to learn is my hidden super power.

My position demands a delicate balance of accuracy, attention to detail and meeting time-sensitive deadlines.  I felt your criticism was grossly misplaced and if you could have taken time to question and learn why I do specific tasks in my own way.  If you took time to understand my way of completing tasks, you may have learned there is a valid reason for my creating redundancy on spreadsheets and not trusting the current software applications exclusively.  With almost every leadership change, software applications and systems changed in the hopes to bring the organization more current and leaving a lasting legacy of change.  

I request everything a minimum of one day prior to definitive deadline from supervisors.  This extra padding of time gives me a day’s cure period should we encounter technology connectivity issues or end user delays.  This extra day provides a much-needed buffer between supervisors and the actual deadline outlined by the software training manual.  What you failed to consider; I remain a one-person department head supporting over 100 supervisors.  Each one demands my immediate attention and I treat them as my only priority.  Whether they blow-up either my office and cell phone, e-mail or drop in to my office as the deadline date nears, I treat each supervisor as they are my only one demanding my time.  

I digress, I learned my self-created system provided me an independent double check to ensure my transmission file is accurate as possible prior to clicking the proverbial “submit” and “send” icons.  There are specific organizational nuisances which are often not able to be validated but through the old and tried ways despite advances in software applications.  If we had a conversation of cooperation to start with as opposed to you confronting me with disapproval, I believe my respect for you would have been greater from the start.
 

Throughout our time working together, I observed a lack of genuine connection and support, which has made it challenging to thrive in my role.  Despite my efforts to explain my approaches and reasoning behind certain decisions, there seemed to be a lack of willingness to understand and support my perspective.  While our professional relationship may not have been what I had envisioned, I do appreciate the opportunity to have been a part of the team during your brief time here.  Every experience, even the challenging ones, offered valuable lessons that became part of my journey.  I valued the opportunity to have worked with you.  Your leadership style challenged me to adapt and find alternative approaches to navigate through challenges, even in the absence of direct support or understanding.  It is my hope it taught you to not just listen but hear what long withstanding employees who have been through many seasons of change and challenges.  These practices taught us to find ways to be consistent in our jobs as we faced adversity and different expectations from each leadership change.

I believe you were not a bad boss, you were just lacking the skills and knowledge in leading a diverse seasoned team.  You barely made it past introducing yourself to your team when you stormed in telling us how you expect to implement change with a quick turnover.  You demanded to bring changes in the way we do business by implementing changes without grasping a full understanding the of the current situation’s why’s.  I believe it only validated your desire to leave your footprint before you established yourself as a leader.  Instead, it earned you much distrust and lack of cooperation amongst not just your team but created chaos which rippled down to the end users who depend upon our services the most.  I believe with time; you will gain the skills to balance both leading a diverse team and leaving your own legacy.

Although our approaches often clashed, I value the lessons I gained from working with you.  Your leadership style challenged me to adapt and find new ways to navigate obstacles.  I hope it also taught you to listen deeply to long-standing employees who have weathered many seasons of change.  These experiences remind us that consistency and empathy are the foundations of lasting success.  I sincerely hope that you find success and fulfillment in your future endeavors.  May you learn to lead with authenticity, empathy and creating a positive impact wherever career takes you.  It is then you will realize dinosaurs don’t die and become extinct nor do mules need motivation to work hard, both intrinsically survived.  As proof, both seasoned employees survived through change and most importantly it’s the only consistent constant in their careers.

 

GIFTING HAPPY TEARS

Let me start off with an apology, for a something you may have felt you have already read on my social media. Quite often, something I posted on my own timeline or a discussion I participated in on another page received feedback triggering me to rework it into a post for my blog. When I post on social media, it just often flows out of my mind into my fingers, as fast as my fingers can type the words out. At the moment, it sounds decent for a quick thought and then I re-read what I just had typed and eventually begin to debate a re-write,

“hmmm… maybe if I expand up on this more” or “hmmm… maybe if I re-word this”

Other times, I manage pull together something I posted on other social media and tie it together with a previous post I wrote on a similar topic. I also jot down small, potent impromptu words or thoughts which I put into my cell phone's notepad. These possible leads or ideas I may or not explore or future posts on my blog. The union of these ideas often bring together a better thought out, enjoyable read than an at the moment rambling post on social media.

Throughout the day, I wrote few leads for a future post for what was initially intended for social media. Sometime after spending the full day of April 13, 2024 and before I went to bed on April 13, 2024, I used those very leads in composing belated birthday blessings and best wishes for my mother's 80th milestone. Although my Mom doesn’t partake in social media or let alone far from being technology savoir-faire, I feel I would be totally negligent not posting on social media and sharing my day with not just my friends but with the small family I have and friends who are like family to us both. This was my only acknowledgement of her birthday, outside the two of us and not to my amazement the number of people who took their time and shared, either privately or posted birthday messages for her. If she had only known of my original post and the volume of acknowledgements and replies, she would have asked me to remove the post immediately, if not sooner. If the roles were reversed, I assume, I too, would react the same way, as I also have a strong aversion to being the center of attention or having eyes on me for any given reason. My guess, this too is a one of those items my mother gifted me and put into my closet of life.

Okay, time to get on with the post…

I have written more than a few posts on my blog about my father. Unfortunately, I was able to share only a couple of my posts of my father with him prior to his passing in 2016. I had this strong desire to bring my mother into my writing more for some time. I confess, my selfish reason was so I could share them with her while she was still with me. As they say, no time like the present, it was the perfect, most appropriate day to start it.

Both my parents shared one common thought on my writing, asking the proverbial big question,

“Why? Why do you have to put your life out there for the whole internet to see?”

My simple and constant reply is,

“I enjoy the catharsis from writing as well as the feedback I receive from those reading my blog. I hope someone reading my post can relate or benefit from something I shared and see they are not the only one on this planet experiencing the same or something similar.”

I digress.

Sigh, I have a horrible habit of doing this when I write, I call it writer's attention deficit disorder. Much like the proverbial analogy of the squirrel. With an evil grin on my face, if you don't know what I am referring to send me a message - another story, for another time, as this goes back to my days working with children.

Ok, ok, ok... I promise now back to the intent of this post.

While I didn’t sing, “Happy Birthday,” at the crack of dawn as she does for me, I still I called my Mom and wished her a “Happy Birthday” this morning. Some of my most cherished memories of my Mom is her calling me on my own birthday to wish me a “Happy Birzday” (with her heavy Hungarian accent). This past year, despite all that we went through she still woke me up in song and letting me know how much she loved watching me grow up. As far back as I can remember these special birthday songs were my wake up calls on my birthday. Mom began singing and followed by my Dad, once the song or songs were sung, it was time to plan my special day. Once I moved out of their home these birthday songs evolved into the phone call.

Before I hung up the phone, I let her know I plan to pick her up for our day’s adventure somewhere mid-morning (for us between 9:00am and 10:00am). I set the expectation by setting a couple of rules we both have to follow. I told her we cannot do our usual errands or typical weekend activities nor discuss anything about my workday nor was she permitted to talk about anything medical. She agreed to oblige.

It’s not surprising for me to spend the day with her, but the elements of the day were much like the eclipse a few days earlier, a once in a lifetime experience. Today, I didn’t go against my Mom’s wishes of making a big deal of her birthday. Instead, I decided to celebrate her, for the person she is.

I arrived at her house shortly before 10:00am. After exchanging birthday hugs and kisses, she asked where we are going for lunch. Never mind, what plans for the day were, but lunch took priority. Since Mom doesn't usually like to go out for meals, except for special occasions and on rare chance of convincing her to go out for a meal. I know her usual places of comfort, “let’s order in” or for a “quick sit down” of the likes of pizza, Chinese or fast-food cheesesteak or hamburger spots.

I casually replied, "Lunch will be somewhere new to you, from the exterior appearance it may seem be more extravagant than it really is, but it is not dress up fancy but not too casual." I asked her to dress comfortable, as we will be both indoors and outside before and after lunch.

As we drove to our destination, I managed to talk with her and calm her anxiety and continued on plan.. The restaurant I chose was close in distance; but far from her usual choices of the places she would go. I know Mom's tastes quite well, I knew the restaurant presented a large variety of offerings. With plenty of choices, it was very doubtful she would be unable to find something she would enjoy. If, anything, the choices will overwhelm her already in indecisive nature. As we neared the destination, I sensed her becoming uncomfortable, she apprehensively stated something to the same effect. It was then I realized I really did succeed in taking her out of her comfort zone. I reassuringly told her everything will be fine, but there was no turning back or other dining options at this point.

We managed to go in to a couple shops and then window shopped a several more prior to arriving at the restaurant. Once we arrived at the restaurant, we were taken to our seats and I was glad to see it not too crowded for a Saturday. There was no rush to hurry, as the lunch crowds came later and much later for those coming for dinner. We enjoyed our meal by taking turns sharing abundant memories, laughed even more and allowed for a few tears to be shed. She fondly reminisced how I evolved from the shy boy who clung to her dress/pants to her and what seemed like overnight, I became her now 54 year-old son. She lovingly shared how proud she continues to be of my successes from completing a graduate degree and having an overall amazingly great career. I watched her flashback on some of her fondest memories of my childhood, adolescence and even my adulthood. Just as important, she laughed and mentioned just as many moments when I turned her hair gray or maybe even drove her crazy were just as valuable to her as she began lamenting the present day. By now, overwhelmed with emotion, she shared how much she appreciated being her pillar of support through my Dad’s failing health and ultimate passing and presently helping and standing by her as she quietly deals with her own health issues which she’s faced in recent years.

With no need to rush anywhere or hurry somewhere, we both agreed remain in the present than proceeding some where else where she may have wanted to go. It felt as if somehow, we were able to pause time for more than just a moment. Once we finished our lunch, we resumed exactly where we left off and continued strolling the shops. We selectively picked ones to go in to, the ones catching an interest one way or another. The time strolling and window shopping didn't matter as much as the time it allowed for us to continue our conversation which continued for a couple more hours before heading back to her house. We lost track of time and continued reminiscing and chatting into the evening. Surprisingly, our conversation freely avoided anything related to her medical conditions and doctor visits or my job and the characters I deal with daily. Although our lunch ended up being highlight of the day and taking her to lunch somewhere out of her comfort zone, I enjoyed spending a full day with her. I enjoyed doing things as she wished and something outside the realms of our typical weekend day together.

As my Y Mom, Irene Butcher has repeatedly told me over the years, my written words have a habit of creating “happy tears” without fail. From what the words below, which I wrote into my Mom's birthday card this year to my encore performance of ruminating and rewriting this to become a post for my blog, the amount of time I invested was worth its weight in gold. Before we left the house for our adventure, I gave her my birthday card and accomplished my task, once again, when I caught my Mom’s happy tears streaming down her cheeks as she mouthed the words I wrote. In the end, my own happy tears streamed down my own cheeks, made it all more the worthwhile.

Here's to my Mom, Happy Birthday! May God continue to bless you!

P.S.

Yes, I may be a mama’s boy, spoiled only child or whatever other words you can think of … but in my journey, I was blessed by God when He chose this wonderful woman to be my mother and have her in my life for 54 years and counting.