July 21, 2017
My heart is telling me one thing, my mind another while my gut told me to trust instinct...
Much like a roller coaster with its many banked turns, barrel rolls, vertical loops and flat turns, July 2017 will have finished the first year of special dates without Dad to celebrate with. Although not quite a year has passed but I managed to get through the myriad milestones of what a year can hold – holiday, birthdays, anniversaries and other days of familial significance.
There were moments of elation and happiness, fondly remembering something he said or something he did. Even him losing his temper at my ineptness and lack of ability to learn to be handy like he was, in so many skilled areas. He was able to figure out solutions to everyday issues and find ways to remind me if I don’t learn how to do simple things I will be “paying my paycheck for a mickey mouse job that I could have done myself for relatively free” for even the most minute tasks. There is a subliminal reason why I chose to live in a condominium and not a house. As I reflect on these moments, sadness and tears flow freely, knowing I just can’t pick up the phone to share a story or a laugh at something I screwed up or even to hear his advice on a problem I would share. My selfishness releases anger at times as I felt I was robbed time with Dad, although I know how blessed I am to have had him having my back for almost forty-seven years.
While at the beach tonight I got lost in my own inner realm as I stared into tonight’s heaven, and felt Dad's presence. As the sun began to set, a somber a star twinkled brightly, a tear rolled down my cheek, knowing too well he's so far away but still so near to me in so many ways. I hear his advice as I struggle with thoughts. I hear him get frustrated and then laugh and at my weaknesses. Yet, I know he is beaming with pride in my successes and the intangibles he's passed on to me. I yearn often from him to still be here to celebrate those special moments as his presence is missed each and every day.
I stared aimlessly out at the ocean, reminiscing countless memories of my many Muskoka summers. The cottage now belongs to another family building their own summer of traditions and memories. My senses fill with bittersweet happiness, as pressing pause to capture one moment in time will forever preserve the memory.
As the cottages on the Severn River slowly fill with people escaping the city's chaos for the upcoming weekend, the silence of the week awakens. Like an extended family, Hungarian neighbors with a splash of Canadians begin to fill our small cottage with constant chatter and loud laughter. With plentiful music, various food and flowing drinks and lifelong friends this American's childhood is filled with nostalgic memories. Some stayed inside the cottage while others gathered on the porch and some drifted between both to enjoy friendships forged decades earlier. Countless friends have come through the warm, welcoming doors over the years, my parents always offered a place to stop by for a drink, a chat and a bite to eat and celebrate life's gift of the present.
Dad will be celebrating his birthday with a "union break" with a shot or two of Pálinka amongst his family and friends In heaven this weekend while the rest of us celebrate with our cherished memories and perhaps enjoy something he enjoyed.
I have come and completed the cycle and have managed to find myself as I am all too human. With that, I realize I own all my feelings and emotions as I do to my reactions to all that has been thrown at me since he left me.
...and my gut prevails as I find peace and comfort, once again, knowing he’s in a better place and he’s no longer in pain and suffering and that I will see him again, in time.
Thanks Dad and Happy Birthday!
Much like a roller coaster with its many banked turns, barrel rolls, vertical loops and flat turns, July 2017 will have finished the first year of special dates without Dad to celebrate with. Although not quite a year has passed but I managed to get through the myriad milestones of what a year can hold – holiday, birthdays, anniversaries and other days of familial significance.
There were moments of elation and happiness, fondly remembering something he said or something he did. Even him losing his temper at my ineptness and lack of ability to learn to be handy like he was, in so many skilled areas. He was able to figure out solutions to everyday issues and find ways to remind me if I don’t learn how to do simple things I will be “paying my paycheck for a mickey mouse job that I could have done myself for relatively free” for even the most minute tasks. There is a subliminal reason why I chose to live in a condominium and not a house. As I reflect on these moments, sadness and tears flow freely, knowing I just can’t pick up the phone to share a story or a laugh at something I screwed up or even to hear his advice on a problem I would share. My selfishness releases anger at times as I felt I was robbed time with Dad, although I know how blessed I am to have had him having my back for almost forty-seven years.
While at the beach tonight I got lost in my own inner realm as I stared into tonight’s heaven, and felt Dad's presence. As the sun began to set, a somber a star twinkled brightly, a tear rolled down my cheek, knowing too well he's so far away but still so near to me in so many ways. I hear his advice as I struggle with thoughts. I hear him get frustrated and then laugh and at my weaknesses. Yet, I know he is beaming with pride in my successes and the intangibles he's passed on to me. I yearn often from him to still be here to celebrate those special moments as his presence is missed each and every day.
I stared aimlessly out at the ocean, reminiscing countless memories of my many Muskoka summers. The cottage now belongs to another family building their own summer of traditions and memories. My senses fill with bittersweet happiness, as pressing pause to capture one moment in time will forever preserve the memory.
As the cottages on the Severn River slowly fill with people escaping the city's chaos for the upcoming weekend, the silence of the week awakens. Like an extended family, Hungarian neighbors with a splash of Canadians begin to fill our small cottage with constant chatter and loud laughter. With plentiful music, various food and flowing drinks and lifelong friends this American's childhood is filled with nostalgic memories. Some stayed inside the cottage while others gathered on the porch and some drifted between both to enjoy friendships forged decades earlier. Countless friends have come through the warm, welcoming doors over the years, my parents always offered a place to stop by for a drink, a chat and a bite to eat and celebrate life's gift of the present.
Dad will be celebrating his birthday with a "union break" with a shot or two of Pálinka amongst his family and friends In heaven this weekend while the rest of us celebrate with our cherished memories and perhaps enjoy something he enjoyed.
I have come and completed the cycle and have managed to find myself as I am all too human. With that, I realize I own all my feelings and emotions as I do to my reactions to all that has been thrown at me since he left me.
...and my gut prevails as I find peace and comfort, once again, knowing he’s in a better place and he’s no longer in pain and suffering and that I will see him again, in time.
Thanks Dad and Happy Birthday!
Back - Left to Right - Andras "Bandi" Juhasz, myself, Miklos Kazmer (cousin)
Front - Left to Right - Andy Juhasz, Vilmos Kovacs (Dad)
Front - Left to Right - Andy Juhasz, Vilmos Kovacs (Dad)
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