THE REAL ME

I’ve been at this blog for almost 5 years, I would like to say I post an update monthly, but quite often I back post to fill voids left in previous months or years (this helps practice my perfection – more on this later) , unless the post itself has a date sensitivity. Over the years, I’ve opened myself up to family, friends, colleagues and welcomed readers to my journey in my so called life. My blog exposes the multiple facets of me, albeit on a superficial level as to lessons learned, reflections remembered, personalities persevered and obstacles overcome. With each post written and then published to my blog, my readers were surprised to have found out something about me that they never knew about me. Throughout this post I have abused clichés and overused terms to hopefully lighten your mood and to simplify storytelling in the most convoluted way, in a way that I only could tell it. There truly is an art of storytelling, proper grammar and emphasis that is missed when writing as opposed to actually sharing it vocally, for this I apologize to my many language arts and creative writing educators I had over the years.

The eclectic circle of people I associate myself with often lends itself to keeping those around me filled with only an apparent shallow depth image of who I am and what makes me tick or get ticked off. For the most part, I am even keel in my emotions, don’t get angered too easily nor do I get exuberantly excited in my life over trivial or even exceptional events. Each segment of my small circle embraces even a smaller small subset of the original circle. Those who have to work with me find me to be aloof, rule bound, sarcastic and even just abrupt and rude and those higher than me in the food chain often call me reliable, hardworking, innovative and inflexible and have no tolerance for stupidity. My small circle of friends, the ones close and even those I don’t talk to every day or every week or even every month, I can pick up where we last left off without skipping a beat of the proverbial drum will tell you that I am genuine, loyal, non-judgmental, sentimental and caring.

Guess what – they are all are right – I guess it comes down to what you see is what you get but only a few are able to break below the surface of knowing the real me. With time they find out I am simply stubborn, practice perfectionism and do in fact smile and laugh more than pictures of me would ever show. Like many of you, I have my idiosyncrasies making some shutter at my quirks and some even go out of their way to seeing this happen, so they can share a laugh at my expense. I recall when a friend of mine with full intention decided to test, what he and many would called OCD. I call it practicing my perfectionism, but at least put it in the correct order CDO. He rearranged my pantry with mixing up canned items and putting labels every which way but facing forward, the way it should be, without question or a need for explanation. One of the rare times, I was thrown off balance and ended up being more frustrated than angered. I do not have an issue in admitting that I am not right as so much as I am simply stubborn, I don’t expect you to do things my way as so much I as my expectation is the end result better be at or better than my final product. As I call the kettle black, one of my favorite lines to throw out at my colleagues, “Quit looking so serious”. Rarely does a day go by that I not sincerely smile or even wholeheartedly laugh at something. However; capturing me in the mood or even a picture of me in this state is an exceptional feat and elusive at best. It is best done without my knowing you are taking a picture or asking me to pose and snap it before I catch you doing it.

Back to my blog for a moment, I’ve had some criticize my posts as airing personal laundry for the entire universe to see. My blog is about my journey, not anyone else’s to take but my own. The journey was one my creator has set out for me, whether to make choices at each fork in the road or to taking time to enjoy the trip and not focus just on what the destination beholds. As I mentioned earlier, my journey has been filled with lessons learned, reflections remembered, personalities persevered and obstacles overcome while finding ways to share some of the most memorable moments which you, the reader can find common ground with me and relate it to your own journey. Nothing makes my heart swell and puts my ego back in check is when someone took time to read my posts and nodded their head in empathetically at something they too experienced or share with me how it made them feel they are not the only ones conquering the world alone. In today’s hurried world, we often think we are traveling all alone and often forget those (personalities persevered) around us may have previously experienced similar instances (obstacles overcome) and have an understanding where we stand now (reflections remembered) and this is how we become stronger and better armed warriors (lessons learned) in life.

Armed with an artillery filled with traits passed on to me from my family and friends and those I gained from attacking obstacles thrown at me as if they were grenades and landmines, I find myself to be my own strategist and defender. To work alongside of me, I am not one to hide behind the bushes to avoid confrontation nor do I sugarcoat bad news which must be conveyed. I am often abrupt and rude. I hold no animosity towards my aim of fire, but those in my way, find a hefty smidgen of sarcasm thrown at them while appearing quite aloof. I don’t mind someone doing things their unique way, however; I do expect the ultimate outcome to be identical to mine or an improvement upon mine. This causes me to be often black and white about issues and am told often that I am more rule bound than not. It’s not that I am difficult to work with; I just have a stubborn way in wanting to have things done with perfection in mind. No one would believe how many sheets (maybe even reams) of notebook paper I went through in elementary school learning cursive (handwriting) or how many times my site, staff and children files had to be done and redone by my site directors to have it meet my standards of perfectionism.

I expect excellence from everyone and often am let down when others don’t seem to have the same attention to detail or ownership into their work habits as I do, regardless of who they are in my herd’s pecking order. Alpha predators, or as commonly known as supervisors, past and present, with the exception of a few, I have maintained excellent relationships with all of them. I do call them the alpha predators as a term of endearment for their achievement in rank and position and the impression of job security from where I stand. I am, a man of my word, true to what I speak is what I deliver both timely and most often than not exceed expectations. I would much sooner be an hour early before a minute late, even in things I am dreading to do. My docile demeanor may try to misguide you into believing I am anything less than reliable and hardworking. I do believe in working efficiently and try to find innovative, not to be mistaken with shortcuts, in processes and duties presented to me. I value my time and hope that you value your own and my time as well, in this life, there is no rewind button to have a mulligan. If I am able to do things on my own, I much sooner work alone than on a team, as my flexibility to others’ input on how to do something is not always welcomed with my terse repertoire of explanations and justifications. For the same reasons, I have no tolerance for stupidity for persons not taking ownership, accountability and effort for their actions which cause a poor reflection of the team as a whole. Then my colleagues often wonder why I prefer to work in my own domain and contribute my knowledge only upon request and not by my own imposition.

I am not certain why I’d rather keep to a small circle of friends, perhaps being an only child? maybe I like quality over quantity? possibly the introvert loner? Each of those explanations anchor roles of my choice of friendship circle. I am truly non-judgmental in terms of acceptance of people with the notion of you will either enjoy or suffer the consequences of choices you make throughout your life. I do not have to agree with you nor do I have to accept your choices to be friends with you. Our friendship seed would be initially planted based on mutual common interests, ability to hold engaging conversations and to freely share emotions openly without any retribution for being a caring, genuine human being. My friends are not ones who enter a revolving door, to only exit once it gets to the other side. These are friendships grown reciprocally throughout years with careful cultivation of loyalty, humility and sentimentalism. Planting and caring for the seed of friendship is the most difficult in the early stages, but with time the roots have deepened and require only faithfulness to continue to thrive. Perhaps after reading this post, you still don’t know the real me, but know slightly more about who I am. You may find the out the real me laughs more than I cry. For what you may see every day is me being held up by strings and performing on a stage filled with an audience of expectations of who I should be at any moment in
time. I enjoy listening as you share your journey, over a cup coffee or tea, even sometimes soda or beer and wine and find out that we are not in this journey alone.

Those reading my blog for the first time or to those returning for more, understand my writing is much how I tell my stories of my life through pithy maxims, which are unquestionably part of the human condition, which I believe makes all of us more diversely alike than similarly different. I am comfortable in knowing the real me, my strengths and my weaknesses and could only hope those around me get to know the real me and not just get to know the surface of who I am through the pics and posts on social media and what others say about me; but take time to get to know the real me. I beg your forgiveness, I repeat it’s not everyone’s job to understand my journey, which is fine, as it is not their journey to take and make sense of. Sharing a smile or being simply sincere can make someone climb out of day filled with melancholy to one filled with hope of bringing a better tomorrow. Conversely, if you merely focus on the journey’s destination and overlook plenty points of interest while hurrying to get there. Wherever there is or may be. In the end, you failed to get to know the real me, which in turn is your loss not mine.

Oh ... one last thing…

I feel obligated myself to apologize; once again, to my many educators of years past who are cringing at every cliché, allegory, metaphor and other no-no’s of writing I used throughout this post. My one high school teacher always said, “Talk with this or that, but never write with this and that” referring to speak passive while writing in the active voice – I guess I failed, as I am not writing the great American novel, but my own stories, just one post at a time.