CRAFTING A CHAPTER OF LIFE ON CANVAS

Dancing paint brushes, palette knives, and paint scrapers,
Amid a canvas await its awakening,
Nearing the empty palette are sealed hues of paint.

Introspecting and interpreting ideas,
Enthusiastically expressing emotions,
Leaving no vacancy, just creative clutter.

Gathering around to see the artist’s canvas,
All wait for a quick glance of his work in progress,
Refuting amongst each other what they just saw.

Carefully not letting know he heard their whispers,
Instead, he remained steadfast working his canvas,
As if the voices he heard, were only his own.

The artist’s confident hand gyrates and twirls,
His vision and virtuosity are ignited,
Except he’s humbled by his exceptional foresight.

As my eyes watch, he transforms the once void canvas,
Right before he is done, one last flair of the brush, 
The masterpiece is wrapped up with his trademark name.

In time, somewhere in the not-so-distant future,
Stories of an artist and his finished project,
Take place with no words, only a transformed canvas.

"Loca, boca, oca, ca, aha, allá , ala, la la la la..."
artwork courtesy of Daniel Garcia, Artist, 2015

WHERE DID TIME GO?

When did you have the right to
Rob all my resilience,
Trade all my tenacity
And steel my security?

Why did you think that you could
Replace my character with
Ills of your inner demons,

Agonized anxiety
Filled with disturbing demands
Of maddening mindless thoughts,

Or relentless restlessness
Always knocking my night’s door
Waiting for an invite in,

Are you done taking from me
All the minuscule morsels,
To the nondescript big box,
Filled with yesterday’s real me?

Where will I be tomorrow
When you robbed my character
Leaving yesterday a memory,

With each passing year,

I am a mere shadow of my past
I no longer see myself,

When you tried to take over
My pride, my patriotism
And my everything else,

I noticed time never stops
But has a mean habit of
Getting in the way of life
With no rewind option.

I now see the frail aged man
Replacing the proud young man
Who once stood tall and strong.

With each new wrinkle,
An experience is gained
But taking a lifetime to surface.

With every gray hair,
I take a moment to reflect and
Become wiser than the day before.

As I grow older, each day is a gift,
My minutes become shorter as
Each decade lasts a moment less.

In the not so distant past,
I hope to be remembered
For the person I once was.

The one who lead the way,
Leaving traces of a legacy,
Planted in yesterday’s memories

Becoming tomorrow’s pride.

 

 

WHEN’S DAY IS JUST NOT ANOTHER DAY

 

 

The day started like any other
Uneventful day at the office,
Came home deciding on what’s dinner
Whether to eat in or to go out?

I opened the fridge a dozen times
Managed to scrape together enough,
As I made dinner from leftovers
Filled my plate with some of this and that.

I finished dinner and cleaned my mess
I poured another glass of iced tea,
About to sit in my comfy chair
Then the phone startled me with its ring.

I looked at the display, “Mom Calling”
I picked up with my usual, “Hello!”,
With not a spare word to share with me
She asked calmly, “Can you come over?”

I tried to ask her what it’s about
But she left me not even a clue,
I got myself together and left
As I drove right on over to her.

A million thoughts raced through my mind
For the maybe fifteen minute drive,
As I have done many times before
I pulled in and parked in the driveway.

Fumbling for my keys, I locked the car
I unlocked the front door, I walked in,
My Mom was in the Florida room
Sitting on the couch, watching TV.

Like she has done many other times
She glances up, smiles and greets me,
Immediately, I asked questions
She replied she wasn’t feeling well.

She responded with all her symptoms,
I prayed for her symptoms weren't real,
After an hour, I reassessed
I told her she needs medical care.

With only two choices to pick from.
I demanded her to make a choice,
“I can drive or call an ambulance”
She opted for me to drive her there.

Mom remained unsure about my choice
Grudgingly walked and got in the car,
Within a few minutes we arrived
I parked by the ER, helped her out.

Walked in, checked in, waited to be called
After a short wait, maybe ten minutes,
A registrar called us to the desk,
Processed her intake, then waited more.

An RN finally called her name
Brought her to a holding area,
Took vitals and reassessed symptoms
Reviewed and questioned Mom’s history.

The attending doctor read the chart
He reviewed everything carefully,
Then placed orders for all the tests stat
To get to the bottom of all this.

All the tests finally completed
We returned and waited once again,
This time in the holding area
Until the doctor returned again.

His gentle smile turned to a frown
When he told Mom and I the results,
Elevated cardiac enzymes
Showed a mild heart attack occurred.

He then immediately scheduled
The exploratory procedure,
A catheterization to rule out
Or fix anything found in the way.

I sent Mom off with a hug and kiss
With words, “Good luck. Love you. See you soon.”,
A couple tears built up in my eyes
As they slowly wheeled her away.

When I walked into the waiting room
It all began coming back to me,
As it’s the same one where I waited
Just as I did several years ago.

As if it were only yesterday
Here’s where I said my final goodbye,
And saw my father for the last time
As he took his final breathe of air.

All alone without a hand to hold.
I sat in a corner all alone,
Farthest away from anybody
Avoiding any conversation.

Just like my many other visits
I see some of the same past faces,
With new floors, furniture and decor
A fresh coat of paint, I remember.

It still feels and smells much the same way
When I see the same coffee machine,
With a sign reading, “out of order”
I take mental note nothing has changed.

Time seems to stand still while I wait
I leafed through the few old magazines,
No matter what I did to pass time
It still just won’t go any faster.

I thought heard my name being called
I wasn’t sure, I was half asleep,
Then I heard my name called once again
I stood up and then walked to the door.

Pulled aside into the smaller room
By the doctor who called me by name,
He shared what he saw as the problem
Explained what he did to repair it.

He shared, two arteries by the heart
Had more than ninety percent blockage,
Requiring him to insert two stents
Opening the flow of blood again.

He proceeded to explain to me
“We cleared the two major blockages,
She tolerated the procedure
All went well and she is resting now.”

With prayer and his skill, the doctor stopped
When death came knocking upon her door,
I was relieved to hear the good news
As we left out the door, I thanked him.

My memories raced throughout my mind
I cried for more than one occasion,
For she will see another sunrise
To celebrate God’s greatest gift, life.

With no immediate family
Just a handful of my closest friends,
I ruminate in the night’s silence
The same question my Mom asks of me.

Who will it be standing by my side
During my darkest days of my years?
Where will I be in my life’s despair
When stranded alone on life’s island?

COME ON IN, JOIN ME FOR A CUP OF GRATITUDE

Perhaps it was faith, but not a coincidence,
At the moment we first met many years ago.
My first sense, I felt if I already knew you,
Even when it was minutes into our first chat.
Little did you realize, I prayed every night,
Asking for His guidance, looking for direction.
Just when I thought it could never happen to me,
Judging by introductions, I hit the jackpot.
Once the formalities were over, I just knew,
Nothing less than a lifelong friendship forged that day.
Even now I reminisce our conversations,
Sharing your words of wisdom was your gift to me.
Yet, you expected nothing in return for this,
Making it even harder to repay my debt.
Chats over morning coffee, walking by my side,
As my mentor and dear friend remains a blessing.
Voices remain of the many lessons you taught,
Placing a new chapter into my life’s journey.
Here’s to you, even when I can’t thank you enough,
Rejoicing the day He brought you into my life.

 

 

SPOKEN IN SCREAMING SILENCE

It was not my intention to hurt you
Nor was I aware of my behaviors,
Contributing to your unhappiness
But I was lost in my own world of thoughts.

I didn’t know how and when to tell you
The physical pain I was enduring,
Or emotional luggage I carried
From the moment I walked out my front door.

I haven’t found courage to share with you
My past filled with shortcomings and failures,
You gently offered advice with kindness
I spoke as my voice trembled, tied in knots.

Deep within, I think you probably knew
My life’s pain only kept resurfacing,
Yet, I really tried to keep them buried
But left alone, it stressed me to the core.

You listened and heard my voice quiver and
Knew all my thoughts, before my words depart,
I am trying to become the same friend
Like the very one you’ve become to me.

When the clouds emptied the rain held within
It was like heaven released my own tears,
Washing away the pain I was holding
Allowing a hint of me to be seen.

Soaked through with regret, I offer my hand
Seeking a reprieve from my empty heart,
Not quite yet ready to call it the end
Until all my inner thoughts were set free.

It was just an obstacle of where we’ve been
Hoping we move on, as yesterday nears,
Ours is still a lifelong friendship growing
With only time knowing what is foreseen.

Impatiently, I’m nervously waiting
Once again, trying to release my fears,
It was too late to tell you the details
Without trying to cover it all up.

It’s when I get lost in my world of thoughts
With my carried emotions lashing out,
Feeling I’m the only person around
To bear the wrath of my indifference.

I tried to look at you without staring
Wanting nothing more than to spend our years,
Sharing stories, living life, telling tales
Making memories, then add it all up.

Recently, looking at all my life’s naughts
I can now stand by you, without a doubt,
Reflecting in prayer, the gift I’ve now found
Is our friendship graced by God’s inference.

 

Photo Courtey of  www.unsplash.com - photo by: Armin Lotfi

 

 

CLOSING ANOTHER CHAPTER

By today’s end, I will have closed another year, Chapter 39. I know, I am the dinosaur in the room. Nearly extinct, I am often asked and ridiculed about what made me stay put for so many years and not explore and venture outside the comforts of my realm.

Before, I continue writing, this is the FINAL version of two posts I’ve played with throughout the day of June 30, 2023. From its original posting on two different social media timelines, my own and a friend’s, I took my best thoughts I wrote on both and combined the two separate posts. I intertwined both into one post celebrating another work anniversary and the chance of honoring the people I have met and ultimately became a part my journey. Oddly, the final post reads similar to the original two posts, however; feels somewhat different, much like my years at my organization. I like to compare my career to anything but a career, as so few people can relate to sticking around the same organization or company for more than five years, let alone 39 years.

I probably can say it best, by comparing my career to a roller coaster. With each banked turn, you see the camel back in the far distance but quickly coming closer then when you least expect it, the cart enters a barrel roll and finishes off with a turnaround, only to finish exactly where you first started.

Most of my generation prides themselves working at 6 to 8 different companies in their lifetime and perhaps a dozen or so jobs and perhaps moving up the rungs of the career ladder. I have been told I am “old school” and stuck it out for my entire career at essentially the same organization, even after you take in account two mergers and more than several key leadership changes. Gone are the days of retiring with the gifted gold watch and the great sendoff which perhaps two generations ago of workers received. My thoughts are your seat won’t even have a chance to cool before the next person will occupy it and once you leave out the door for the final time, your name and your legacy will only be a distant memory by very few. In a nutshell, I moved from direct services in various programs; with my favorites being aquatics, summer camp and child care to my final years serving more in a leadership capacity. This is where I feel I contributed significant impacts to the organization in grants/contracts, IT, payroll/benefits and training.

All my years were within the same association of one organization, the YMCA. I was blessed and afforded opportunities within which challenged me to grow both professionally and personally. I was provided a diverse, well balanced career with no need to leave my hometown and my close circle of family and friends.

Over the years, I was blessed with many great supervisors and mentors not only within the YMCA but with the many partner agencies I worked along side with. I’d be remiss not to mention the countless colleagues filling my career with learned lessons, shared stories, and life’s varying views. As the years passed, they too have become not only lifelong friends but my extended family. The myriad people I met throughout my journey, much like the beautiful tree pictured in my post, are vibrant and robust in color and size. It was when we all came together, we found we were all held together by a strong trunk and a common bond of deep roots leaving us grounded. With each passing year, the tree kept growing with its branches spreading out in different directions and still remained as one tree, despite how far apart the branches grow apart from the trunk. Who would have thought, the seed planted by someone many years ago, brought us all together many years later. Our branches may have spread out far and wide and others may have swayed, but very few broke by the winds of change. In turn, if you listened attentively you may have heard the voice of that particular someone whisper words of wisdom when they decided to plant that seed.

Reflecting back, I went from high school to a full-time undergraduate student through a graduate program while working full-time. It’s when I helped my Mom, by being my Dad’s co-caretaker for many of his last years, I realized I had voids and gaps in some years. It took a moment, but when I looked back and could barely recall any significant happenings, its then I noticed every year since high school, many of my friends moved out of south Florida, some changed employers or even got married and there a few who gambled by throwing the dice, for that chance of a lifetime. I find one of my favorite sayings “Life gets in the way of living” playing in my mind like an endless track on my iPod. Despite promising to stay in touch, time keeps moving forward as does keeping in touch with each other. Each passing year, the distance, figuratively, grows in length and the promise becomes a distant memory. Some say the only constant in life is change - others argue taxes and death are part of this constant. As the social introvert, it is challenging for me to meet and make friends. I find getting older makes it seems even impossible at best, to find time and the find common ground to meet people, let alone build foundations for lifelong friendships. Everyone is busy scrambling to get their “must do’s” crossed off and make time for their families and careers, merely realizing tomorrow is a repeat of today. We all become like the proverbial hamster in the ball running, but not moving forward or getting anywhere quick.

With time, the very friends who I thought I lost touch with forever; are the very same ones when we reconnect we do so without skipping a beat and pick up on life exactly where we left off. We are the same friends which will always be there for each other. Whether its cheering on each other’s successes, picking each other up when we fail or fall and even provide encouragement when our own motivation is running on its final last fumes of hope.

As I was reviewing my social media timeline feed, I'd be remiss not to thank each and everyone who posted their congratulatory acknowledgements, endless encouragement and their own antecedents of their own life. Each and every post means the world to me, as they validate why I remain with an organization which has been part of my entire life, not just the 39 and counting years of employment.

I anxiously await at the platform for my turn to board the cart. I’ll take the first bucket seat and pull the lap bar down and get ready and hold on to the grab bar as I anticipate this will not be a typical out and back run. My past experiences proved there’s always a few surprises of unknowns awaiting every climb, every drop and every turn, at the very moment when I least expect it.

When one of my favorite mentors left our association, they said this to me as parting words of advice, "When the roller coaster of life gets to be too much too handle, just quietly get off as soon as you can. Find somewhere quiet and calm away from the crowds, allow yourself to regain your balance and courage, but then on your terms when you are ready, you can try it once again." I still have a few straight legs to do before I take my final ride and decide to retire. But until then, I’ll wake up tomorrow morning, ready to conquer and open Chapter 40.

There are two attached photos of me.  The first, with a full head of hair, was when I was promoted to my first full time position on July 1, 1989 to become the ASP (After School Programs) Operations Site Director. The second, with noticeably less hair, around the fall of 2019, our President/CEO, Sheryl A Woods recognized me for my 35 years of service. As for the photograph of a beautiful royal poinciana tree, I thank my friend Anita for I hijacked it from her timeline. It gave me the inspiration to write and to plant a seed of optimism for the next generation to endure a lifetime of patience and gratitude, consequently watching their own life grow into something majestic and beautiful, just as my own tree of life did for me.

 

 

 

YIELDING TO FINDING MY INNER PEACE

It’s where the sky meets the earth,
Blending at the horizon
Seamlessly becoming one
Just like me, walking my path.

From the time of my own birth,
I remained with my eyes on
Searching until I am done,
Without causing any wrath.

With everything I now know,
I let go of all my thoughts,
Enjoying the brief moment
When nature reigned once again.

I watched the sky’s colors grow,
Soon vanishing to their spots
Once they finished their assignment,
They returned, as I said amen

I question, if I’m ready,
Taking finite time to track
Each and every one of them,
Without uttering a word.

My slow pace remains steady,
Despite wanting to look back
Hoping to meet all of them,
But I kept pressing forward.

Using flamboyant colors,
He painted the sky without
A brush, a palette or tools,
Yet, a masterpiece took shape.

As if they’re my ancestors,
Sending greetings, leaving doubt
They were here to follow rules,
When they let their souls escape.

I avoided the masses,
By walking past any crowd
Resuming my walk, I slowed,
So I could watch nature’s show.

The occasional car passes,
Leaving a dirty dust cloud
Blinding my view of the road,
Guessing at which way to go.

Following the rural route,
Without having a penny
Listening to a scripture,
To avoid the devil’s strife.

Staring into destitute,
With my worn wallet empty
Except for the one picture,
I carried from my past life.

 

BATTLING MY NOCTURNAL DEMONS

The ticking of the clock,
Like my heartbeat in fear,
Keeps escalating up,
As the night conquers day.

There’s ought a way to block,
The darkness as it nears,
All I get is a snub,
Without a word to say.

I toss and turn around,
Only to see mere minutes,
Not hours slowly pass,
As I began to pray.

Time is lost but not found,
Just as it prohibits,
Pressing rewind to harass,
The souls of yesterday.

I dare not wake the past,
They’re fine to leave as is,
Dormant in memory,
Is where they need to stay.

Heaven reached out and asked,
By an angel with wings,
What documentary,
Am I about to play.

My voice remained silent,
As I tried to explain,
The angel spread her wings,
Vanishing in the night.

The sun turned defiant,
It conquered the day’s reign,
With its peaceful voice sings,
Waking all with its light.

I tried to roll over,
And beg for just more time,
To be told there’s no pause,
In the music of life.

As there’s no do-over,
Just faith in the sublime,
Knowing all of your flaws,
Are forgiven without strife.

My sleepless eyes opened,
Feeling fully rested,
Looking for my angel,
But my heart skips a beat.

It’s then I realized,
The words she suggested,
Of remaining faithful,
Even when in defeat.

LIFE'S LESSONS IN REVERIE

Sometime soon after I close my eyes, 

I will eventually fall asleep,

Closing another chapter of me.

 

The man I see, I don’t recognize,

I’ve gotten older within a leap,

With not even a chance to be free.

 

Like never ending stories filled with,

Many charismatic characters,

Performing comedy and drama.

 

Twisting tales unfolding in my mind,

Filled with flashbacks, plots and climaxes,

Like a best selling top shelf novel.

 

All replaying last year perfectly,

As if it were read for the first time,

With no memory of living it.

 

Written all without any wordsmith,

The protagonist, me, points fingers,

As if I was returning all karma.

 

I tried to ask, but I was declined,

All before I could even have asked,

If I could relive my last annual.

 

Often remembering is blurry,

Yet my memories of my lifetime,

Are not quite ready to be unknit.

 

With more than a tear in both my eyes,

And many words I could never say,

I just made sure I was within sight.

 

Looking up above to the clear skies,

I get ready. start my day, I pray

For my new chapter starts at daylight.