LIFE HAS NO MULLIGAN

Another year closing,
ruminating all those
“to-do” lists with many
unfinished business and
incomplete assignments.
Thinking, will I finish?

Only a prayer of hope,
can clear those outstanding
items on those damn lists.
I keep going over
and over all the tasks,
hoping something will change.

Yet, they remain untouched,
as I ran out of time
when the calendar’s date
showed today’s final day,
December thirty first.
Another year, now done.

Those incomplete items
now carry the burden,
towards a new “to-do” list,
brought into the new year,
leaving fragments of time
and sense of urgency.

Today’s a gift given,
hence, why it’s called, present,
there’s no rewind button,
nor a fast forward one.
Just a replay in all
my memories to date.

Living to my best life,
what I was raised to do,
even with obstacles
are thrown in my path’s way.
I keep my head focused,
and learn from their lessons.

It’s then I realize,
when life truly doesn’t
offer a mulligan.
Take each day as it comes,
with the blessings granted,
knowing faith will prevail.

 

MY TIME STOOD STILL AS YEARS PASSED BY

I come from a stock of hearty men and women,
who worked hard, earned their keep and made a new life too,
from this country offering opportunity.

Fighting against all odds, no family, no home,
no trade or job, just obstinance to do better,
a new language, new customs, and a new culture.

They found their freedom, lost in their own motherland,
with the hopes their next generation does better,
finding and living their own American dream.

Without any rhythm or tune, I danced and sung,
I still managed to do so being blessed with,
a brain, two left feet and a voice carrying no tune.

I am and I have always been called an old soul,
going as far back as to my earliest years,
it’s only now, I see, my body, catching up.

I stand before you at near fifty-six years young,
never did I think I would have achieved success,
in a variety of aspects of my life.

In my time, I earned a post-graduate degree,
pursuing my interest working with children,
with a side step into administrative roles.

I carried the work ethic of all my ancestor’s,
pride and go beyond my best in all that I do,
even when my time stood still and the years passed by.

With it came vast changes, this was my constant.
I remained resilient to all being thrown my way,
stayed tenacious in learning everything anew.

Retiring after just over four decades,
being blessed with a great legacy filled career,
but I still carry pieces of my childhood.

Yet, I remain a social introvert coupled
with a healthy dose of innate curiosity,
leaving only my footprints for others to follow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOSTAGE TO THE SEASON

Another 
holiday season, 
snuck upon us, 
with Thanksgiving passed, 
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza 
and other December holidays 
just around the corner.

Children’s 

wish lists
grow faster than 
their hands can write, 
or tap on tablets today. 
Adults, 
take deep breaths, 
watching their debt 
exponentially grow 
as wish lists sprout.

From having 
the best next fad 
to the latest and greatest 
of what influencers propel and tout 
their followers as the next best thing. 
For their wallets, 
they will be taken hostage 
by the holidays pressure, yet,  
with not a ransom to be paid. 

Magic of the holidays, 
lost their sparkle, 
bells no longer jingle, 
colors not so bright, 
as once seen through 
an innocent child’s eyes.

All that is seen,
a sea of materialistic 
must have gifts, 
anxiously waiting 
to be torn apart 
in a fleeing 
moment’s 
excitement.

Watching 
children’s faces, 
smiles turned upside down, 
into a long drawn out frown. 
Expectations deflated, 
with the very first gift. 
many more waiting, 
with none enough. 
It’s with their 
last hope 
the final gift 
will be the one, 
they begged for 
with the hypnotic trance 
of every commercial played 
on television, radio and internet, 
every influencer’s stressing 
the must haves and the 
can’t be withouts and 
finished off with 

a trip to the mall.

The grown-ups, 
plant earliest memories into 
innocent children’s minds 
of holiday traditions, 
mystic secrets, 
secret myths,  
holiday gift giving 
and all the other magic 
the holiday season brings. 

What’s been forgotten, 
reasons for the season; 
gathering generations, 
family sharing stories, 
and creating 
many more 
new memories, 
celebrating traditions 
from generations past 
and eating seasonal delectables. 

By bedtime, 
children 
long lost interest 
in their shiny new toys, 
while,
adults long for a 
restful night of sleep,
hoping they fulfilled 
all their children’s 
wish lists and dreams. 

Yet, 
spending 
endless hours, 
of remembering, 
memories created, 
gathering together, 
seasonal flavors, 
are now nothing
more than
nostalgic memories, 
shared and spread
over generations.

Beyond the wrapping paper,  
beyond the gifts forgotten,  
what lingers is family; 
young and old 
gathering together, 
stories carried 
like lanterns spreading light, 
flavors mastered and passed, 
from a kitchen of yesterday,
to kitchen of today and
memories stitched together, 
like the warmth,
of a homemade quilt
pieced together across
multiple generations 
stitched together 
on this day.

In the evening’s quiet,

after the holidays frenzy, 
love of family and 
nostalgic memories 
remain as 
the only gift 
that does not fade, 
it’s the one that endures, 
with hopes children 
will treasure and
carry forward, 
long after
today’s fads, 
just simply 
fade away. 

 

A MANIFESTO OF LESSONS LEARNED IN MY FIRST YEAR OF RETIREMENT

One year ago, December 13, 2024, I loaded my car with the last of my baggage. Closing the hatch, I saw more than forty years of my career at the YMCA of South Florida packed inside. For decades I lived by the mantra, “Life gets in the way of living.” Now, it was my turn to live. When I arrived home and began unpacking, reality set in — suddenly, it all became too real. Each box, each piece of baggage was like listening to a seashell whispering stories of my career: triumphs celebrated, doubts endured, disappointments faced. Together, I painted a canvas of sunrise on the beach, welcoming the next phase of my life. It is hard to believe a year has already passed, and how quickly it did. Today I celebrate not only my first year of retirement, but also the start of Chapter 56 — a new journey unfolding, another year of lessons learned, and a life well lived.

Foremost, I want to thank those friends who became nothing less than family who check in on me, hang out with me, invite me out for a meal or something to do. For those further away who send me an email or call just to tell me they are thinking of me or update me with their own world is just as much of a heartfelt sign of the relationships I made. I declined more invitations than I accepted. I just needed and wanted time to decompress. This was much like planning for a vacation and then returning to unpack heavy suitcase of emotions, a backpack filled with souvenirs of stress and a carry-on with feelings and other garments cluttering my brain. While unpacking, I remind myself to do better this upcoming year accepting more invites. Although I do not miss the stress or politics of a full-time career, I do miss the people, the footprints I left, the impact and routine of having such a rewarding career.

Below, I share my top ten lessons I learned this first year of retirement. I realize a lot of these overlap and seem similar, but I felt it was important and compelled to break them into their respective categories.

1. Health is the True Wealth

Physical and mental well-being underpin everything else. Check your physical, mental and emotional well-being regularly. If something feels off – don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Let go of your pride and there is no shame asking for help with things you can no longer or want to do. Keep your sleep schedule regular as much as possible, your body will thank you for it. Enjoy eating in moderation to keep your body, mind and soul well fueled for optimal performance. Find time to focus on physical and mental well-being exercises daily. I aim to try a new recipe to cook several times a week to avoid having to eat out as often.

• Lesson: Invest in exercise, diet, and mindfulness. Protect your body, mind and spirit, they are the foundation of everything else.

2. Purpose Matters More Than Leisure

Endless free time can feel empty without meaning. Keep a schedule or agenda. It is important to keep focused on doing things to keep you busy as much as you like to do or not to do. Don’t leave things to chance to happen otherwise you will face huge voids in time. Time doesn’t offer refunds for unused moments, take calculated risks to try something new. That something should be something you always wanted to try but found every excuse not to or time didn’t allow for it. I am still vetting volunteer opportunities but have fully dedicated more time to my writing.

• Lesson: Find new anchors—volunteering, hobbies, mentoring, or creative projects. Fill your days with meaning, not just minutes.

3. Routine is Freedom

Too much unstructured time can lead to boredom. Find at least one thing to keep you grounded or look forward to every day. This structure or routine helps keep your day moving at a steady pace and with intrinsic moments of accomplishment. I find starting my day with a workout at my local YMCA or go for a daily walk in my neighborhood starts my day off in a good mood. I try to schedule two uninterrupted hours to read or write my leads for my blog or complete a post for my blog every day. The satisfaction of having time to read for pleasure or write is not only a catharsis but has been a dream for me to be able to dedicate more time to my passions.

• Lesson: Build a weekly rhythm—exercise, social time, creative pursuits. Anchor your day with structure as it creates space for joy.

4. Small Joys Shine Bright

Fulfillment often comes from everyday pleasures, not grand adventures. The simple things of taking time to have a conversation with a neighbor where previously was a quick hello and good-bye when I was working is in itself its weight in gold. Finding joy in simple things also means enjoying the beauty of things you missed as life races by. Now, that you downshifted to a slower gear, take time to enjoy the details you missed.

• Lesson: Happiness hides in the ordinary, take a moment to pause, notice and let those simple moments shine. Time is yours now, there’s no need to be hurried and take on more than you can carry.

5. Social Connection is Essential

Once you complete your career journey, the dynamics of your social setting changes dramatically different to what you have become accustomed to. Men as they get older, unlike their counterparts, women, do not have the quality or quantity of established friendships. With less face-to-face interaction and less variety of people engaged in daily dialogues the significant drop in people can be daunting at best and depressing at its worst. Work for most, often provided daily interaction; leaving retirement isolating. I have yet to find a routine in retirement nor does boredom ever fill my day. I am challenged to make and meet new friends. I tried a few social events but find most are more tied to their phones or the group is loosely bound to the groups purpose. Being a social introvert, large groups intimidate me and drain my emotional battery as a result I value my space to recharge. I may not be the first to make plans, but I am quite aware I need to broaden my social circle. 

• Lesson: Prioritize friendships, family, and community involvement. Friendships and community are lifelines, nurture them with intention to grow and thrive.

6. Identity Needs Rebuilding

Careers defined who you were; retirement requires redefining yourself. I didn’t realize how much my career defined who I evolved to become. I was Robert the payroll guy most recently and to those who’ve been on my journey I am Robert the grant writer/child care trainer or as everyone knew Robert the guy in the Y polo. To some who knew me more intimately, I was an only child who dedicated his life to his career and helping my mother being a caretaker first for my father as he battled numerous health issues until his passing. Presently, I help my mother through health challenges she faced since my father’s passing. Despite her self-sufficiency and capacity to recover and rebound stronger, I keep her grounded and provide support as necessary. My identity in retirement seemed to diminish as did the faces of people I come in contact with daily. Lastly, everyone seemed to know Robert the storyteller who had a parable of life to share to those willing to lend an ear. I am still the storyteller but to a different audience both in person and on my blog. I try to keep an open mind to trying new roles and new adventures. 

• Lesson: Explore new roles—learner, traveler, creator, mentor. Retirement is reinvention, explore and rediscover the new you.

7. Partnerships Shift

Retirement changes dynamics with spouses, family, and friends. Being a single, never married man, it is easy to get lost in the crowd of friends who are married and seeing their own children going to college and some families welcoming grandchildren. It is important to keep your head above the crowds and realize your identity may have changed but the person within still is the same person whose grown over the years. With retirement, I changed as the number of people who I came in contact with in daily. Much like with the pandemic, a new social order and communicating with others had to evolve and become acclimated to. Remember, communication works both ways and is rarely one sided. Force yourself to keep in touch with those you care about to keeping in touch with. They too get busy and will appreciate you calling to catch up with you. It gives them a break from their own stress and reality.

• Lesson: Communicate openly and renegotiate roles with empathy. Relationships evolve, meet with open dialogue, empathy, and sensitivity.

8. Budget Reality Check

Retiring early was a blessing but it also has its own set of challenges. With planning to handle the stresses of health, finances, social life, etc., can become manageable and even enjoyable. Even with planning, expenses (healthcare, home repairs, inflation) can sneak up and surprise you. But mitigating your risks and remembering each day you’re not pushing up daisies is a blessing. As I said prior, time doesn’t offer refunds, don’t waste a moment – it’s a gift, called the present for a reason. Make it count.

• Lesson: Track spending closely and adjust expectations early. Budget wisely, freedom depends on foresight.

9. Flexibility Beats Perfection

The dream retirement rarely unfolds exactly as imagined. Most of us retirement is not all about sipping adult beverages with small umbrellas on some tropical island with a hostess bringing endless delectable treats at every turn of your head. Aim high in your dreams yet keep it realistic to your budget, your health and your ability to fulfill your dream. Nothing defeats self-esteem more than setting a bar you cannot reach.

• Lesson: Stay adaptable and embrace unexpected opportunities. Dream boldly but bend in the winds of reality.

10. It’s a Transition, Not an Ending

Retirement is less a finish line than a new chapter. Allow yourself to decompress and if your career was very consuming and fulfilling even allow yourself to grieve. Simply, if it was more than just a job, this is even more true. All that you invested: time, effort, education and a lot of you into your position is much like a loss when it comes to an end. After you walk out the door for the very last time as an employee, especially after a long tenure, your emotions may consume you. It is perfectly normal to own to be sad, doubtful, excited and worried - separately and sometimes all at once. All is ok. Allow yourself time to decompress and accept your decision.

• Lesson: Treat it as a journey of discovery, not a static state that started when your career ended. Retirement is a new beginning, just waiting to be embraced and welcomed.

This morning, at my happy place, the beach, I welcomed another day’s start, celebrating one year retired and preparing to close out Chapter 55. Today, I pack my suitcase once more, not with stress or deadlines, but with joy, wisdom, and dreams. I watch the waves carry away the weight of old routines, leaving shells of new memories scattered in the sand, waiting to be collected. I walk barefoot into the surf, I remain grateful for the past and hopeful for what lies ahead. Retirement is not the end of the tide but the beginning of reshaping the shore. This is my manifesto: retirement is freedom, and I choose to walk boldly into the horizon, packing only what I can carry for my next journey.

 

 

A CAROUSEL OF BECOMING

With its flashing bright lights,
music blaring odd tunes,
it’s colorful horses,
decorated zebras
and other embellished
great creatures found in zoos.

They follow each other,
in an endless loop,
of a circular chase,
going nowhere quick.

I wonder if it’s worth
two tickets to ride here,
aware of what I see
but blind to what may lurk
behind the song and dance,
of this fair’s attraction.

The skeptic within me,
expected not a thing,
but a petty paycheck
covering the little,
big high school expenses
a teenager faces.

He talked all but minutes.
Explaining all the rules,
before telling me that,
“You are hired starting
tomorrow, July first.”
I was taken aback.

I accepted the job,
as he handed me forms
to complete, like tickets
needed before riding.

He shared all the glitter,
albeit not of gold,
but of screaming riders,
racing down crowded halls
on their way to find the
next best carnival ride.

He began to tell me,
“Seeing all their smiles,
hearing all their laughter,
is in its own reward.”

Then went on to tell me,
“It’s not just about the
paycheck but the impact
you will leave on their souls.”
By now his words, a blur,
I waited for my turn.

With a bit of self-doubt,
not truly knowing what to expect,
I boarded with doubt but,
with enthusiasm.

Noting I only brought,
my determination,
loyalty and willing
to give my all and more.

I changed seats a few times
before my ride’s last spin.
the colors stayed vibrant,
and the music still played.

Coming to a complete stop,
I exit with one last look,
it seemed like nothing changed,
but after many turns,
I noticed everything
about me changed that day.

All because of a chance
given to me by that
gentle soul who believed
in offering me more.

 

AN IMPROMPTU JOURNEY AND A SPONTANEOUS FRIENDSHIP

Retelling tales, sparking curiosity without filter or rhyme,
By lifting our voices through laughter and experiences,
Deep breathes and nervous giggles dissolve any mishap.

Driving highways towards destinations unknown,
Arriving for a night’s stay, just after sunset,
Night welcomes time for nourishment and a quick nap.

Inviting casual morning conversations,
About where to go, but not making the day’s plans,
Leaving it all to chance with a dash of intention.

Gradually the first excursion is within sight,
Anticipation and excitement quickly grow,
Into racing childlike heart beats and bellyaching laughs.

Chatting, deciding where to go, what to see first,
Intending to seize all of the day’s offerings,
As if the day’s activities had been well-rehearsed.

Taking our time, as if it were planned choreographs,
His voice never pretentious, he shares what he knows,
Explaining how relationships aren’t created overnight.

A bond which is built on trust and occasional disagreement,
Welcoming friendship, enduring both our lifespans,
Through tales sparking curiosity and candid revelations.

In talks of our next journey, we forego a map,
When planning a new adventure around the same time, yet,
Knowing a road trip just wouldn’t be the same, if done alone.

In a hurried instant, our journey is under-wrap,
With a shared promise of faith and no pretenses,
Guaranteeing a road trip will be due in one year’s time. 

MY PRESENCE IN YOUR ABSENCE

I took a chance,
hoping to catch
the morning sun
climbing up where
the sky and the
ocean meet up
with each other.

I sit and wait,
impatiently,
for the sun’s rays,
to embrace me
not just in warmth,
but like the hugs
you gave freely
reminding me
count my blessings.

I watch the sun,
quickly climbing
towards the vast sky,
as if it’s light
was your spirit
following me,
right by my side.

I know you’re here,
talking to me
with your deep voice,
much like each wave,
hitting the shore
with its loud crash.

Reminding me,
of life’s lessons
you had taught me
from early on.

Each day the pain
of losing you,
shrinks much like the
shadows closing
to noon’s full height.

So many things,
I wished to say,
but our time
simply, ran out,
before I could
share all of it.

I hear your voice,
in gentle winds
whispering words
telling me of
memories shared,
and lessons learned.

With each sunrise,
brings promises,
consistent waves
offer comfort,
gentle breeze
keeps me balanced.

I hope you know,
I carry you,
in all I do.

Each step I take
is shaped by you,
with every choice
reminds me of
it’s my way of
saying thank you,
for making me
the man I am.

 

THE VOID BETWEEN GRIEF AND REJOICE

Don’t you go crying because I am gone,
Smile beyond the tears, that our paths crossed.
Imagine how empty life would have been,
If I was not there to fill your life’s void.

Time allows you to heal and carry-on,
With not one memory forever lost.
There’s no turning back time; stop, lift your chin, 
Think of the moments we shared and enjoyed.

My light will shine on you for all your days,
Letting the sun’s warmth embrace you with love.
With that, I will always be by your side,
When you answer the knock on your door.  

With your final breath and a prayer of praise,
I watched you answer the call from above.
Leaving those you left behind bleary-eyed, 
With a lifetime of memories and more.

Unknowns to you of your homecoming date,
Yet, everything is ready and in place.
Proving, true love has no need to translate, 
Nor does it need announcement to be known.

It seemed there was an unforgiving wait,
Until I saw your most beautiful face. 
As promised, I’m waiting at heaven’s gate,
With a long overdue welcoming you home.

Our love did not end, just transformed with time,
From two walking hand-in-hand to one soul.
God’s entwined our shared stories and tales told,
For the future generations pleasure.

It’s the moment you grasp Heaven’s sublime, 
Noticing the footprints you left behind.
Allowing time to share untold stories,
Leaving only happy tears to treasure.

 

 

LOGIN, LINGER AND LOOK, LOGOUT

With the flick of the power-on button,
boot up the computer, click the browser.
Log in with your personal credentials,
then prepare transport to your inquiry.

Get all your information together,
come up with a handle or a new name.
Or perhaps use yours, if you are okay,
with others knowing your identity.

Then come up with a password to match you,
against the handle and name, you just chose.
This will protect your information from,
prying eyes and those wanting to be you.

The password must be a keyboard mix of
letters, numbers and characters scrambled.
For your own eyes and mind to remember,
you’re all set with your login credentials.

Within seconds of the click of the box,
a new page pops up of various hits.
All related items you just searched for
ranked in order from the most relevant.

From watching a how-to-do videos,
to a biography on Fred Rogers.
Wherever your mind meanders to search,
hundreds of hits yield your unique request.

The mindless minutes online turn on you,
becoming wasted hours of lost time.
Searching endlessly even the mundane,
anything and everything on your mind.

Your eyes remain fixated to the screen,
flipping pages of related content.
Until you take up a new Yahoo search,
finding something else you want to fancy.

You took a chance, exploring the chat rooms,
seeing what all the hype is all about.
An infinite number of topic lists,
each begging for endless conversations.

You look around, find one to your liking,
cautiously you enter, then look around.
Conversations awaken your senses,
with many voices, none feel your liking.

Though many of them claim they long to meet,
most vanish behind screens, remaining discreet.
Hiding truths, they fear to show openly,
in silence, their insecurities grow.

Quietly, you leave and close the chat room,
knowing the time to face reality nears.
As you’re about to log off and exit,
you glance at the clock, taking note of the time.

Wondering where the day disappeared to.
into thin air with the blink of an eye.
Leaving you wondering where the time went,
thinking you only spent minutes online.

Once you log off your username and shut down,
with the flick of the power-off button,
Your thoughts drown, replaying all that you saw,
even when the screen finally went dark.

 

REVISITING, REMINISCING AND RETURNING

After several rescheduled dates, I finally managed to take my friend and past colleague out for a very belated birthday lunch.   As one of my favorite graduate school professors used to perfectly say, “life gets in the way of living.”   Today, it felt especially true.

Anyhow, back to my story…

About a week before the planned date or maybe the moment when I confirmed my plans, my anticipation exponentially grew from the day previous. By the actual date of the lunch my nerves were rattled.  From the outside, you would never have guessed my insides were shaking.  It would be the first time since I retired, I returned to my most recent stomping grounds of my just over forty-year career with the YMCA of South Florida.  Although I do workout at a local family center, I do so early enough to avoid most staff.  I find myself doing my best to blend in with other members.  I see it’s a bit different than the corporate office setting I worked in, where everybody knew me and had some kind of interaction with me, the payroll guy.  I have work history with the YMCA going back further than before the birth of a good majority of our staff.  

To my disbelief, my former daily parking spot was available.  I parked with a sense of familiarity, flooded by nostalgic memories of my morning routine.  I parked my car in my former spot and departed the comforts of my car.  I took a deep breath, then sighed and immediately I thought of this as a good omen for my upcoming day.  Walking up to the main entrance, I detected the building’s exterior and lobby walls and floor were somewhat updated since my last day on Friday, December 13, 2024.  When I stepped into the elevator, its interior itself still had cardboard construction flooring and upon the doors opening on the second landing, this, too remained unchanged.  

As I stepped out of the elevator and proceeded to the main office suite lobby.  It was then I remembered the receptionist was out with key staff preparing for their largest annual fundraising event.  The entire office is accessible only by digital key, so I had to find other means to be admitted and escorted throughout the various suites.  Beyond the doors, I walked freely through spaces, once holding purpose, now they open a flood of memories.  I attempted to ring the bell several times at the youth development suite.  Finally, a young lady answered the door, obviously someone new to me.  Before I had a chance to introduce myself to her, I was recognized by a couple of staff members.  As they came to the door, they pulled me into their arms with an embrace and warm welcome.  Each embrace felt like a timestamp marking a piece of my history and a vivid memory.

I was introduced to a few of the newbies, then I was paraded around in their suite as if I was their hometown celebrity.  I received more hugs from long tenured employees and fist bumps from those who knew me for a fraction of their time.  Here I was introduced to the new staff as if were a living legend.  For the better part of an hour.  I spent my time sharing stories with them before I was escorted to the corporate office suites.  I made certain on my rounds I popped in to say hello to those staff who I knew who weren’t part of the welcoming committee.  I hope I didn’t miss anyone as it was an overwhelmingly emotional experience.  Any oversight of not greeting those I missed was purely unintentional.

Last thing I wanted to hear, was someone heard I was on premises, but I was thought too good to even stop by and say hello to anyone or any one person.  I assume everyone knows as well as I do, this is the stuff juicy kind of gossip that gets blown out of proportion and goes viral in seconds, thanks to social media.  Though I mention it, I don’t let it consume me with wasted thoughts. 

As I had finished greetings and small talk with a few, my lunch date was ready to go head out to lunch.  After pulling out of the parking lot, my lunch date suggested Chinese cuisine for lunch, I yielded to her liking, after all it was her choice for her birthday lunch.  Over better than an hour, we spent our time together in a more intimate conversation with each other.  We caught up on family happenings, recent vacations and life in general.  The social introvert in me enjoyed the one-on-one time I had with my lunch date but I’d be remiss not to say, it was nice to encounter familiar faces for albeit a brief moment and catch up.  From the surface, everything appeared the same as when I left however; I know everything of me has changed.  

Driving back to the corporate office, I better understood how strange it felt to return as a guest rather than a tenured fixture.  Time has a quiet, subtle way of shifting our roles without asking permission.  We wrapped up our conversation with one last laugh and before we knew it, we arrived in the parking lot.  I pulled up to the main entrance.  We both got out of my car gave each other a farewell, bone-crushing hug with an implied but not spoken, we’d do this again, sooner, not later.  

My friend was able to get under the covered entrance and I back into my car just before the skies opened up in a heavy rain, as if the heavens cried happy tears over my revisiting, reminiscing and returning to my not so distant past.  As I drove away from the building which once held my daily rhythm, I felt a strange peace settle in.  The walls shifted, the faces changed but the echoes of my presence still lingered — warm, familiar, and gently fading.  What I once carried as duty now returns to me as memories, softened by time and sweetened by connection.  I came to share a meal, but I left with something deeper: the quiet affirmation of how the world moves on, the imprint of a life well-lived remains.  Though everything of me has changed, I see now that change is not an ending — it’s a continuation, written in the smiles, the embraces, and the stories still told in my name.

 

RESTING MY RUMINATIONS

With my first breath, my mind freely feels, 
There’s someone laying right next to me,  
Feeling my heart beat in sync with theirs.

I stare at the ceiling fan whirling, 
Absorbing my radiating heat, 
I lay still, as to not stir them awake,

It’s just about three in the morning, 
I am mentally not all present,  
Yet, my body is fully awake.

Still laying in bed, I shut my eyes 
Begging for just another hour, 
So, I won’t be robbed another night.

In one breath, I wish they joined my fight, 
Helping to slay my nightly demons, 
Winning back my lost hours of sleep.

By now they found their way to my mind,  
My nightly guest just won’t go away, 
Telling me, they were just passing through.

I fight my demon, insomnia, 
I ruminate today’s disaster, 
Playing in my mind, an endless loop. 

Feeling their heart beat and their next breath, 
Until my body’s madness succumbs, 
Into silent screams that fade away.

With my last breath, my mind is set free, 
Not even an ounce of energy, 
Until I finally fall asleep.

Ending my night’s tossing and turning, 
I manage a few hours of rest, 
Before the sun welcomes a new day.

It’s on the wings of hope and a dream, 
I start with a prayer of gratitude, 
For today’s better than yesterday. 

 

MY FINAL ONE LAST GOOD-BYE

With Labor Day passed, 
a northern breeze cools the air, 
with a whisper reminding 
foliage to transform themselves, 
into their varying autumn hues. 

The forest stirred with movement, 
as if the whisper reminded animals, 
start preparing and gathering 
for the cold winter ahead, 
coming sooner 
than later.

The trees replied, 
with many turning golden, 
some oranges and a few red, 
all the while white caps formed 
on the small waves of the lake 
as if they, too answered 
the wind’s whisper.

Animals of all colors and sizes, 
mindful of the whisper’s message, 
began to make arrangements.

Squirrels and raccoons scurried, 
    collecting for their winter reserves, 
bears began eating their last big feast     
    before taking in for their long winter’s nap, 
geese prepared to take their long flight, 
    to their southern winter homes, 
while deer, moose and others took a gamble, 
    of not worrying about their tomorrows.

Yet, all dealt only with the stresses 
of just getting by today.

Cottagers answered, 
Mother Nature’s subtle call, 
much like their wildlife counterparts.

They begin closing their summer residences, 
    more of a winter’s slumber, than a winter’s hibernation.  
Packing the portable cooler with perishables, 
     for enjoyment in their winter home;  
placing winter dust skirts on the beds, 
     guaranteeing fresh linens underneath, 
washing one last round of dishes,     
     patiently waiting for return of festivities; 
rounding up the last collection of trash,     
    avoiding collection of rancid scents; 
storing away outdoor furniture and fixtures, 
     preserving their use for next season; 
putting away bird feeders, 
    once the last bird had its last season’s fill; 
boats pulled out of their water’s home, 
    leaving them on their trailer and covered; 
water pumps and plumbing pipes drained, 
    draining water, leaving basins and pipes dry; 
switching of the electric at the master breaker;     
     cutting the last life of the summer residence,

once done, 
then saying, 
one final good-bye to summer friends, 
even when one more, 
becomes more than just one good-bye.

With October’s second Monday near,
one more autumn holiday, 
celebrated in unison 
by both nations,
when again, 
the winds whisper, 
a firm reminder, 
to one and all, 
finalize preparations, 
for the winter’s season of 
shorter days and longer months, 
awaiting just around the corner.

Knowing there will be at least one, 
maybe more, one day visits 
checking in on the hibernating home, 
but until then, 
a final check, 
of last minute items 
with a double check off, 
the season’s end master to-do list, 
before the door is locked for the season, 
for one last time as if saying good-bye 
to another lifelong friend. 

Summer’s long gone, 
when autumn bids farewell, 
while winter’s bitter, 
blustery freezing gusts, 
reminding all, who is truly in charge, 
by leaving more than a dusting of snow, 
and a layer of ice with each squall's scream.

With each visit,
the caretakers’ pilgrimage, 
treading softly, as to not awaken, 
those choosing a winter’s deep sleep. 
Waddling through knee-deep snow, 
carefully crossing the fragile ice laden lake, 
with hopes it doesn’t shatter beneath them.

As seen in the not so close distance, 
with just minutes, before day’s light yields 
to swiftly approaching darkness of the day’s end, 
they eventually arrive, unlocking the door. 
Entering, they’re greeted by the darkness inside 
and hollowing winds bellowing through the rafters. 
A cold, dark, shadow is within their grasp, 
suddenly, a deep vacated voice, 
angered by being stirred 
and awoken too soon 
from hibernation. 

The caretaker comforts, 
gently igniting the fireplace, 
putting on the first pot of coffee, 
as light, warmth and comforts 
conquering the cold darkness, 
hearing an unspoken apology. 
Building a bond, rekindled peace 
by hushing winter’s once rage, 
with each arriving friend, 
resolving another 
voided space.

Where echoes of 
winter’s silence gathered, 
I watch the snow settle, 
like memories, holding its breath, 
beneath the thick sheet of ice. 
waiting to shatter and be told, 
as we once again gathered 
not just to warm the hearth, 
but to tend the flame of years past.

For each echoing laugh 
and silent tears shed, 
we inherit the season’s quiet vow, 
to return, to relive, to remember, 
and to keep the soul of summer alive, 
even in the winter’s longest night.

It’s then we are reminded, 
the value of lifelong friendships 
who, over decades of friendship 
became nothing less than family.

Bringing warmth, 
on the coldest winter days 
and 
cooling comforts, 
on the hottest summer days by 
sharing stories of cherished memories, 
and then telling tales of years past.

The hands of time 
keep moving forward, 
knowing there will be the day,
I am left to hand over the keys, 
to the next caretakers, 
with no turning back time 
except in my memory. 
Within their time, 
they will come 
together 
to tell tales, 
to share stories 
and make memories, 
and call it their very own, 
even when I know another 
summer is just around the corner, 
even after my final one last good-bye.

 

 

 

ROBERT, ROBB BUT NEVER BOB

I attended a social event this weekend, billed as a “meet and greet” for mainly retirees but open to anyone seeking connection and the need to expand their social circle. As an early retiree, I’ve come to realize how much of my social life was tethered to my career. It’s one of those things while you work you take for granted, the social aspect, morning catching up over a cup of coffee, having lunch together and afternoon hallway chats of shared deadlines. Let’s face it as we get less young, these social circles shrink, even harder to meet people and making new friends becomes increasingly challenging. 

 

Those of you who know me, are quite aware, especially if you travelled with me, I’d sooner be an hour early than a minute late. I arrive at the venue about twenty minutes, ok half hour before the event actually officially starts to allow myself time to account for traffic (there was none), should I need to stop for anything (a last-minute Jardiance run) and to allow myself enough time to calm my nerves down. This social introvert puts on a great show meeting new faces but unless you live my life you don’t realize the effort, I put in to be ready to mingle and at the end how much it drains me. About the Jardiance run - Google Jardiance side effects and then you will know. 

Within fifteen minutes more than two hands full of people already entered. So I proceed to enter the hall. Once entered there was a long card table serving both as the check-in and registration desk. I proceeded to the table and was immediately acknowledged by a woman my age who was too happy, perhaps she already had her maximum caffeine and/or sugar intake for the day. She proceeded to give me a lanyard and requested I find my name tag and put it on for the duration of the event. The name tags were printed in an easily readable bold large font in a cobalt blue color. Some name tags had a ribbon on the bottom of the name tag with their rank in the club. The colored ribbon perfectly aligned with the name tag itself shared various titles including club officers, some as guests from other chapters and some with years of service involvement with the sponsor club. 

 

All this flashed me back to high school extra-curricular activities for a brief moment. It only took a matter of seconds for me to find my own name tag.  I asked the polite yet overly happy woman at the desk if she had a spare blank name tag to correct my first name.
 

        “By any chance can I get a blank name tag, I found mine, it says Bob.
        Now, here’s the thing, I don’t go by Bob. I never have. My e-mail
        signature says Robert as do my professional documents. My closest
        friends may call me Robb. But Bob? That’s a name I never claimed
        to have ownership to." 
 

The smile turned into a frown as if I asked to borrow her last dollar to selfishly get a bottle of water in the middle of a desert. Without skipping a heartbeat, she said, 

        “No! The names were taken off the event’s pre-registration e-mails
        and I was specifically told by the club’s president to use the names
        from the e-mail and that’s what I did.”
 

I highly doubt she took my name from my e-mail as all my e-mail setups to e-mail signature always say, “Robert” not any deviation or abbreviation as I have gone by Robert in both academic and career all but one year. When my family moved to Toronto, for the start of my Grade 2 year. For whatever reason I was called “Bobby.” I digress. She refused to change and the frown started to look like more of anger as I tried to justify my case. I attempted to explain but it all fell on her deaf ears. 

        “Only my parents and a handful of a few very close family and
        friends who are nothing short of family who refuse to see me as
        anything but the little boy I once was still call me ‘Bobby’.”
 

Informally, I will accept Robb, my official signature is Robert W Kovacs, formal situations, Robert and lastly formal for certifications etc is Robert William Kovacs.
 

I digress. 

Upon not issuing me a new name tag, I politely thanked her for time and moved on into the main room for the introduction and opening keynote speaker. During the opening keynote, I kept ruminating on the situation in my head what gave them the right to rename me and assume my name is “Bob” as opposed to “Robert” or worst-case scenario, “Robb.” Another one of my quirks, I tend to ruminate over on trivial issues in an attempt to rectify or perhaps handle a similar situation better in the future. They divided the entire audience into four sections based loosely on the registration questionnaire. It was made clear several times when the speaker stated,
 

        “This is not a social event for dating or those looking for a possible
        romantic connection. This is a professional networking event for
        retirees to reengage into the social scene and make new friends.”
 

I already knew men traditionally have less friends and participate in less social activities outside of their workday or immediate family gatherings as they get older. It doesn’t get better for men, as we get older and retire from our careers, we become less social and to find it increasingly harder to meet and make new friends than our female counterparts. As an early retiree; I can concur on both as I didn’t realize how much of my social life revolved around my career and I didn’t really do much to expand my friendship circles since high school as I like to say, life gets in the way of living.

In addition to holding down a a full-time job and establishing my career, I provided respite care and assisted my Mom in caring for my Dad until his passing in 2016. After my Dad’s passing my Mom has been through several serious health issues which interrupted her independence. Even though she remains fiercely independent and blessed to be able to handle most things on her own. I do my best to help her with the physical demands of owning a house and the mental fortitude to make sense of the mountains of paperwork she receives from insurance following every medical appointment.

With that being said, during this time I saw most of my closest friends move on and out of South Florida for careers, marriages or a chance to try something new while I stayed within the same geographical area since Grade 8. I was blessed with a great career with the YMCA of South Florida for just over forty years and was exposed to a variety of positions and have a legacy I am very proud of. However, I missed out the chance to be exposed and network with new and different people, new companies, new cities, etc., I don’t regret the choices I made, I am just learning to adapt to my new journey. 

Ironically, the keynote speaker’s topic was quite along the same lines of stating to put our needs first after years of putting careers, families and other items before our own needs. 

The one takeaway resonated with me. 

        “Today is the gift of the present. Make it count as the day you do
        something for yourself first as tomorrow is never guaranteed.”
 

Later, after the keynote, we separated into the four breakout groups. I inferred the four groups were based broadly on our work experiences and loosely on our educational attainment and to even a lesser extent of other factors from the questionnaire. The groups varied from fifteen to twenty-five participants a facilitator. The group facilitator asked us to form a circle and face each other. Immediately, I felt as if the roles briefly swapped from my days of summer camp director. This time I was the new kid on the first day of summer camp. Much like them, we all started out as strangers and by end of camp became best friends. 

        “Once we make our circle, I need a volunteer to start the ball rolling.” 

The ball was tossed directly my way, I was left with no choice but be the first one catching the ball. You guessed it. As the facilitator threw the soft foam ball randomly, I became the first person to catch the ball and answer the facilitator’s questions of ourselves, 

        “State your name, what kind of career/job you had recently, a
        hobby/interest and something unique about you.” 

I fully accept being a social introvert and dislike being thrusted into being the center of attention but I was not prepared to be the first one to catch the ball and having to introduce myself. 

        “Hi! My name is Robert or you can call me Robb. Despite what
        my name tag says, please don’t call me Bob or any other derivatives
        off of Robert. I retired from being the payroll administrator for my
        organization for over 2000 employees for the last dozen or so years.
 

        In my spare time I am recreational writer/amateur blogger and
        like to catch up on useless tv shows I missed out while I worked
        and went to school full-time since 1988. 

 

        Something unique about me, I worked for the same non-profit 

        organization since I was 14 years-old in vastly different capacities 

        for my entire just over 40 year career with the YMCA of South Florida.“ 

The facilitator smiled and responded.
 

        “Thank you for sharing Bob.” 

Before I passed on the ball to the next random person, I gently yet quickly corrected the facilitator. I thought I’d made it clear and reminded him and the remainder of the group.
 

        “Robert, Robb but never Bob, please.” 

Laughter rippled through the ballroom. I felt as if everyone was laughing at me for being difficult not necessarily for my quick quip of the incorrect name tag and my correcting my what I preferred to be called. The facilitator then went on a mission to explain how we are introduced to others has a lot to do how others perceive us to be. I guess in this case I came across stern, rude, obtrusive and any other negative adjectives to describe me rather than more friendlier and neighborly sounding Bob or Bobby. 

After the laughter calmed down, Again, I explained firmly why I choose to be called Robert or Robb.
 

        “I call myself Robert, because that is the name I lived into and
        answered to everyone outside of my family. It’s the name
        I signed on every legal document, every greeting card and
        anything and everything else of prominence or not.
 

        It’s the name my parents chose for me and the one I chose to
        carry forward with intention. It may sound formal, yes, but
        it’s also my name and I wear it proudly.
 

        Bobby is reserved to very immediate family and takes me back
        to how people perceive me as the little boy they knew fifty
        plus years ago. Bob feels too casual and is someone else’s
        shorthand for who they think I am or might be. 

        The use of Robert is intentional and deliberate. It holds my
        life, my history and most importantly my voice.”
 

When I finished my few moments of a monologue, the room erupted in a roar of applause. My first thoughts, the participants were relieved I finally finished what seemed like a long drawn out speech rather than the few moments where I made my comments before we moved on to the next person. 

Shortly after I finished my comments, the person next to me, shared with me, how I gave him courage to stand up to their preferred name. It was than I recognized the magnitude of my comments may have freed up others to reclaim their own preferred names, their own history and story coming along with their name. 

After all is said and done, I am, Robert W Kovacs, I sealed both my academic history and my professional legacy with this name. My journey, my stories and my history will always be remembered by others as told by none other than Robert, Robb but never Bob.