ROBERT, ROBB BUT NEVER BOB

I attended a social event this weekend, billed as a “meet and greet” for mainly retirees but open to anyone seeking connection and the need to expand their social circle. As an early retiree, I’ve come to realize how much of my social life was tethered to my career. It’s one of those things while you work you take for granted, the social aspect, morning catching up over a cup of coffee, having lunch together and afternoon hallway chats of shared deadlines. Let’s face it as we get less young, these social circles shrink, even harder to meet people and making new friends becomes increasingly challenging. 

 

Those of you who know me, are quite aware, especially if you travelled with me, I’d sooner be an hour early than a minute late. I arrive at the venue about twenty minutes, ok half hour before the event actually officially starts to allow myself time to account for traffic (there was none), should I need to stop for anything (a last-minute Jardiance run) and to allow myself enough time to calm my nerves down. This social introvert puts on a great show meeting new faces but unless you live my life you don’t realize the effort, I put in to be ready to mingle and at the end how much it drains me. About the Jardiance run - Google Jardiance side effects and then you will know. 

Within fifteen minutes more than two hands full of people already entered. So I proceed to enter the hall. Once entered there was a long card table serving both as the check-in and registration desk. I proceeded to the table and was immediately acknowledged by a woman my age who was too happy, perhaps she already had her maximum caffeine and/or sugar intake for the day. She proceeded to give me a lanyard and requested I find my name tag and put it on for the duration of the event. The name tags were printed in an easily readable bold large font in a cobalt blue color. Some name tags had a ribbon on the bottom of the name tag with their rank in the club. The colored ribbon perfectly aligned with the name tag itself shared various titles including club officers, some as guests from other chapters and some with years of service involvement with the sponsor club. 

 

All this flashed me back to high school extra-curricular activities for a brief moment. It only took a matter of seconds for me to find my own name tag.  I asked the polite yet overly happy woman at the desk if she had a spare blank name tag to correct my first name.
 

        “By any chance can I get a blank name tag, I found mine, it says Bob.
        Now, here’s the thing, I don’t go by Bob. I never have. My e-mail
        signature says Robert as do my professional documents. My closest
        friends may call me Robb. But Bob? That’s a name I never claimed
        to have ownership to." 
 

The smile turned into a frown as if I asked to borrow her last dollar to selfishly get a bottle of water in the middle of a desert. Without skipping a heartbeat, she said, 

        “No! The names were taken off the event’s pre-registration e-mails
        and I was specifically told by the club’s president to use the names
        from the e-mail and that’s what I did.”
 

I highly doubt she took my name from my e-mail as all my e-mail setups to e-mail signature always say, “Robert” not any deviation or abbreviation as I have gone by Robert in both academic and career all but one year. When my family moved to Toronto, for the start of my Grade 2 year. For whatever reason I was called “Bobby.” I digress. She refused to change and the frown started to look like more of anger as I tried to justify my case. I attempted to explain but it all fell on her deaf ears. 

        “Only my parents and a handful of a few very close family and
        friends who are nothing short of family who refuse to see me as
        anything but the little boy I once was still call me ‘Bobby’.”
 

Informally, I will accept Robb, my official signature is Robert W Kovacs, formal situations, Robert and lastly formal for certifications etc is Robert William Kovacs.
 

I digress. 

Upon not issuing me a new name tag, I politely thanked her for time and moved on into the main room for the introduction and opening keynote speaker. During the opening keynote, I kept ruminating on the situation in my head what gave them the right to rename me and assume my name is “Bob” as opposed to “Robert” or worst-case scenario, “Robb.” Another one of my quirks, I tend to ruminate over on trivial issues in an attempt to rectify or perhaps handle a similar situation better in the future. They divided the entire audience into four sections based loosely on the registration questionnaire. It was made clear several times when the speaker stated,
 

        “This is not a social event for dating or those looking for a possible
        romantic connection. This is a professional networking event for
        retirees to reengage into the social scene and make new friends.”
 

I already knew men traditionally have less friends and participate in less social activities outside of their workday or immediate family gatherings as they get older. It doesn’t get better for men, as we get older and retire from our careers, we become less social and to find it increasingly harder to meet and make new friends than our female counterparts. As an early retiree; I can concur on both as I didn’t realize how much of my social life revolved around my career and I didn’t really do much to expand my friendship circles since high school as I like to say, life gets in the way of living.

In addition to holding down a a full-time job and establishing my career, I provided respite care and assisted my Mom in caring for my Dad until his passing in 2016. After my Dad’s passing my Mom has been through several serious health issues which interrupted her independence. Even though she remains fiercely independent and blessed to be able to handle most things on her own. I do my best to help her with the physical demands of owning a house and the mental fortitude to make sense of the mountains of paperwork she receives from insurance following every medical appointment.

With that being said, during this time I saw most of my closest friends move on and out of South Florida for careers, marriages or a chance to try something new while I stayed within the same geographical area since Grade 8. I was blessed with a great career with the YMCA of South Florida for just over forty years and was exposed to a variety of positions and have a legacy I am very proud of. However, I missed out the chance to be exposed and network with new and different people, new companies, new cities, etc., I don’t regret the choices I made, I am just learning to adapt to my new journey. 

Ironically, the keynote speaker’s topic was quite along the same lines of stating to put our needs first after years of putting careers, families and other items before our own needs. 

The one takeaway resonated with me. 

        “Today is the gift of the present. Make it count as the day you do
        something for yourself first as tomorrow is never guaranteed.”
 

Later, after the keynote, we separated into the four breakout groups. I inferred the four groups were based broadly on our work experiences and loosely on our educational attainment and to even a lesser extent of other factors from the questionnaire. The groups varied from fifteen to twenty-five participants a facilitator. The group facilitator asked us to form a circle and face each other. Immediately, I felt as if the roles briefly swapped from my days of summer camp director. This time I was the new kid on the first day of summer camp. Much like them, we all started out as strangers and by end of camp became best friends. 

        “Once we make our circle, I need a volunteer to start the ball rolling.” 

The ball was tossed directly my way, I was left with no choice but be the first one catching the ball. You guessed it. As the facilitator threw the soft foam ball randomly, I became the first person to catch the ball and answer the facilitator’s questions of ourselves, 

        “State your name, what kind of career/job you had recently, a
        hobby/interest and something unique about you.” 

I fully accept being a social introvert and dislike being thrusted into being the center of attention but I was not prepared to be the first one to catch the ball and having to introduce myself. 

        “Hi! My name is Robert or you can call me Robb. Despite what
        my name tag says, please don’t call me Bob or any other derivatives
        off of Robert. I retired from being the payroll administrator for my
        organization for over 2000 employees for the last dozen or so years.
 

        In my spare time I am recreational writer/amateur blogger and
        like to catch up on useless tv shows I missed out while I worked
        and went to school full-time since 1988. 

 

        Something unique about me, I worked for the same non-profit 

        organization since I was 14 years-old in vastly different capacities 

        for my entire just over 40 year career with the YMCA of South Florida.“ 

The facilitator smiled and responded.
 

        “Thank you for sharing Bob.” 

Before I passed on the ball to the next random person, I gently yet quickly corrected the facilitator. I thought I’d made it clear and reminded him and the remainder of the group.
 

        “Robert, Robb but never Bob, please.” 

Laughter rippled through the ballroom. I felt as if everyone was laughing at me for being difficult not necessarily for my quick quip of the incorrect name tag and my correcting my what I preferred to be called. The facilitator then went on a mission to explain how we are introduced to others has a lot to do how others perceive us to be. I guess in this case I came across stern, rude, obtrusive and any other negative adjectives to describe me rather than more friendlier and neighborly sounding Bob or Bobby. 

After the laughter calmed down, Again, I explained firmly why I choose to be called Robert or Robb.
 

        “I call myself Robert, because that is the name I lived into and
        answered to everyone outside of my family. It’s the name
        I signed on every legal document, every greeting card and
        anything and everything else of prominence or not.
 

        It’s the name my parents chose for me and the one I chose to
        carry forward with intention. It may sound formal, yes, but
        it’s also my name and I wear it proudly.
 

        Bobby is reserved to very immediate family and takes me back
        to how people perceive me as the little boy they knew fifty
        plus years ago. Bob feels too casual and is someone else’s
        shorthand for who they think I am or might be. 

        The use of Robert is intentional and deliberate. It holds my
        life, my history and most importantly my voice.”
 

When I finished my few moments of a monologue, the room erupted in a roar of applause. My first thoughts, the participants were relieved I finally finished what seemed like a long drawn out speech rather than the few moments where I made my comments before we moved on to the next person. 

Shortly after I finished my comments, the person next to me, shared with me, how I gave him courage to stand up to their preferred name. It was than I recognized the magnitude of my comments may have freed up others to reclaim their own preferred names, their own history and story coming along with their name. 

After all is said and done, I am, Robert W Kovacs, I sealed both my academic history and my professional legacy with this name. My journey, my stories and my history will always be remembered by others as told by none other than Robert, Robb but never Bob.